How to win Friends and influence People on LinkedIn (HUMOR)
After a major workout at the gym this afternoon, I sat down at my computer, flooded by waves of LinkedIn “endorsements.” A new gush of approbations encompassed bird-watching, percussion, band conducting, coin-collecting, baby-sitting and chess-playing. Was I in the midst of a mega makeover not of my choosing?
I felt guilty about being showered with praise for my non-existent skills and hobbies, so I fired back “endorsements” to senders, blindly tapping any and every reciprocal sphere of activity in sight whether it applied or not to my so-called “connections.”
For my former Amtrak train buddy, “Tim,” who’d spent the better part of 3 hours troubleshooting web problems at Williams-Sonoma.com, I tapped in a “pet-loving” endorsement (after all, he’d raised three cats, two, eaten by coyotes) Another prompt whizzed onto the screen testing my eye hand/coordination skills. Why not mouse click, “knows about jet engine repair.” I’d vaguely remembered Tim having delivered a mega-complex analysis of what happened to the Airbus A320 that crash-landed safely on the Hudson River and how the Canadian geese got stuck in the engine. Oops the “bird-watching” endorsement just evaded me, slipping quickly into the “diaper-changing” universe. Why not go for it, since my traveling companion had often boasted about his new grandson. Surely, he’d aced the skills necessary to keep the infant dry and comfortable.
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NO sooner than I’d clicked this warm and fuzzy endorsement, another popped up, pertaining to a complete stranger. How did an “Australian Alligator trainer” land in my Network? (Friend? acquaintance? business associate? High School classmate? friend of a friend, employer?) In a mega memory recall effort, I mind-snatched the “connection” to an Aussie Online piano student who had an Engineering degree.
Quickly I tapped "knows Calculus" before my computer flashed "media/communications," and "shrimp farming"--what the heck, it was the thought that counted not whether these latest skills on the rifle range of choices were a perfect fit for the latest in-or-out-of network newcomer.
In either case, my "connections" were spiraling out of control while my SQUARE of endorsements was bulging at the seams.
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Suddenly a new round of endorsements catapulted onto the screen. A Hindu Elephant vet and a New York City Bank President endorsed me for “fashion design,” and “face-painting” while I snapped back “knows Farsi,” and “rips people off.” Oops, wrong endorsement! How could I delete the last one, before I’d earn an instant “dis-connect.”
My PROFILE PAGE rhombus of skills was surely headed for a fatal blow with a falling dominoes effect!
OMG! My NYC High School of Performing Arts Math Teacher, “Shirley Katz,” had just become the latest “connection,” endorsing me for “horseback riding” and “pizza-pie-making.” True, I’d aced the Intermediate Algebra Regents, which nourished my skills to carefully measure out cups and half-cups of flour; teaspoons and tablespoons of olive oil, but I hadn’t saddled up on a horse since I was 6 (at the Van Cortlandt Park Bronx trail) And I nearly got kicked in the face by a Palomino when I wasn’t looking.
Without a second thought, I shot back three consecutive endorsements for KATZ: “knows diplomacy,” “has more passes than flunks,” and “shows up at all Performing Arts High reunions.”
Finally, these endorsements gelled with the right person and I was thankfully off the hook. To cut my losses and preserve my gains, I shut down the darn computer and headed for the piano where I felt really CONNECTED!
