On Tour With The O’Reilly Flaktor

Good evening.  

Welcome to a night of killing. Should be a VERY fun night.

Tonight, we’re talking killing Lincoln and killing Kennedy. And in a very real, American free market sense,  I’m making a killing here tonight. Thanks for coming. 

Okay. Lot of ways to kill.    Bludgeoning.  Hanging.  Suffocating.  And did you know you can harangue somebody to death?  You got it here. Bill O’Reilly exclusive.

But America’s favorite way to kill, of course, is  shooting.  It’s our right.  Second Amendment.  When it’s JUUUSTIFIED, of course.

You’re here tonight to learn about killing Lincoln and my newest best seller, "Killing Kennedy."

What made the Kennedy book so special is that I'm a Kennedy.  That's right.  My maternal grandmother’s last name was Kennedy. The Kennedys of Yonkers. Imagine Bill O’Reilly a Kennedy!  So I feel a special bond with the Kennedys. At least while I was writing the book.  Me and Taylor Swift.

Ready for a bombshell?   I got the idea about writing the book about Kennedy BEEEFOORE Oswald bought his rifle.  I knew Oswald in a journalistic sense.  People, listen to me. I discovered that Oswald and I lived in New York at the same time.  Yes, Oswald was older than me, and I could be wrong but I may have met him.  Perhaps I dreamt about it.  I’m not sure. Maybe I could have stopped the assassination.  Or the conspiracy.  Or both.

Let’s start with Killing Lincoln. Great book.  OUTSTANDING book.  And a lot better than the book Doris-what’s-her-name wrote that the movie is based on. When I talk to Speilberg, I’m sure he'll agree.  Maybe not at first, but I’ll badger, bluster and belittle him.  He’ll come around. 

MOVIE PEOPLE!

Of course, I would have had the great patriot, Clint Eastwood, play Lincoln.  That’s an actor. A true American.  ABSOLUTELY knows an empty chair when he sees one.

Let me tell you from doing this book, I learned a lot about Lincoln.  Yes, he was a Republican, but Republicans were Democrats in those days. Anyway, turns out he’s a lot like our current president.

Like Obama, Lincoln won re-election because he promised STUFF.  Stuff like the Emancipation Proclamation which  freed  the slaves.  And stuff like the 13th amendment which abolished slavery. People want stuff. Like voTING.  This year, to their credit, a group of patriotic Americans tried to give people the freedom NOT  to vote. No ID? Stay home. Go to work.  Watch TV. But they wouldn’t take it.  You just had to vote, didn’t you?

People ask me, Bill, what's with the obsession of killing? Listen, I’m not the one doing the killing. Now, it’s a fact that there's been a lot of killing out there.  Everywhere.  I wish I could stop it. Maybe I have stopped some murders by railing against gun control. The more guns we have, the less killing in my mind. If Lincoln or Kennedy had had a gun, they might still be alive today.  GOT to be able to defend yourself. That’s ALL I’m saying.

Why do I write the books?  I have to tell ya, what I get a kick out of is teaching people.  That’s why I write ‘em.   Some guy comes up to me and says ‘Loved  Killing Lincoln. Great novel.  Couldn’t wait to find out what happened. Almost  thought it was true.’ So I'm teaching here. I’m  sort of a historysciencephysicsjournalism teacher and  counselorprincipal all rolled up into one.

Anyway, enough about me, and back to killing. Who was it Lincoln? Kennedy?

One regret, ladies and gentlemen.  One guy I wish I could have written a book about killing was … Hitler.  “Killing Hitler.”  Didn't happen.  BIG regret.   I mean, not that I didn't write the book, but that nobody knocked him off.  That will always haunt me.

(tears up) Forgive me, even Bill O’Reilly gets emotional.  In a Ronald Reagan sort of way.

Wait! Is that  a child I see in the audience. That  reminds me I haven’t forgotten about America’s youth.   We're coming out with kiddie versions.  Great way to get the young away from video games.  We don't call it “Killing Lincoln,” but "A Bad Night at Ford's Theatre." “Killing Kennedy” is “Roses for Mrs. Kennedy.” But we don’t sugarcoat it.  Has Bill O’Reilly ever sugarcoated anything?

Now you'll notice I've got a co-author, or editorial assistant, as I like to call him.  I want to give him credit, or at least an eighth of a credit.  Marty Dugard.  Wrote some very forgettable books before he latched on to me.

That’s him in the back somewhere.  Give him a hand, ladies and gentlemen.  (applause) --Okay, that’s enough. You can take off now Marty, get back to work.

He’s good, Marty is.  I pushed him and he pushed me.  We pushed each other is what I'm trying to say and when I got tired of pushing him, I slapped him, and he sucker punched me and well anyway the result is two phenomenally great books.

And more in the works. Two more presidents to go.  McKinley and Garfield.  Might combine them. Not exactly household names.  “Killing Garfield and McKinley.  You’ll get two for the price of one!

Then I’ll probably go global.  We'll do “Killing Ferdinand and Sophie” which kicked off World War I. Then we’ll go way back and kill Ceasar, heh, heh.  I've got some never before heard from sources. We’ll tell you what REALLY happened at the Theatre of Pompey. Exclusive interview with Brutus.  Hear his side.  You’ll be surprised. We’ll lay it all out for you. You might want to put a few bucks down tonight on your way out and reserve that one.

As Karen Carpenter once said, “We’ve only just begun…”

Finally, I want to say thanks to our assassins. Couldn’t have done it without you.

Thank you and good night.