Today, I am announcing that I will not seek, beg or grovel for, nor will I accept the nomination to the United States Senate from Massachusetts.
Earlier today, as you may know, Ted Kennedy Jr. said he would not be a candidate for the seat. He lives in Connecticut, but said he didn't think somebody with his last name would be welcome there.
Jr. is a funny last name. I agree with him.
Then, like you, I was shocked to learn on Christmas Eve no less, that the actor/director Ben Affleck, made the gut-wrenching decision not to run for the seat being vacated by Senator John Kerry. While there is some speculation that his wife, Jennifer Garner, or Affleck's former girlfriend Jennifer Lopez or Hugh Hefner's gal Crystal, might become candidates, I could not wait for their decision.
Let me say that the minutes coming to my announcement have been even more tummy-turning than Ben's. I have made many trips to the loo before I came to the conclusion that I could better serve this country by continuing to fight for equal sewing rights in Niger, for a better sponge contraceptive and expanding research into an alternative to the pen and pencil for all Americans.
I discussed the issue with my top advisor (cat) and it became apparant to me that I could not continue to clean the cat box, and also clean up the mess in Washington.
When I informed my supporters (cat and second cousin twice removed) of my decision, there was great disappointment. Because they know I know Massachusetts. I lived in the Hay, I mean Bay State, for 17 years. I froze my bunions off there, I sweltered in the summertime and I once saw Michael Dukakis on the Green Line.
Yes, I am qualified (I served as Commissioner of Communications (re-elected!) at Birmingham High School in Los Angeles in 1971-72)
Yes, I will not run.