Do you ever get the blues? I do.

Sometimes it’s because I feel undereducated. Sometimes it’s because I feel old or frumpy. Sometimes I think I should have done more with my life — taken more chances. Zigged when I chose to zag.

Whenever I start to feel sorry for myself, I only have to do one thing to make those gray skies blue again.

I watch TV. When I have my grumpy shorts on, nothing slaps me out of 'em like a healthy dose of TV. After only a few minutes of almost any show, I'm thinking, "Well, at least I'm not THAT guy!"

For example, my standby pick-me-up is Jerry Springer. There's, “Have You Slept With Your Mom’s Boyfriend?” Or, “Has Your Mom Slept With Your Boyfriend?" Or, "My Sister Stole My Gay Boyfriend."

I'm a "no" to all of those. And, look, I feel better already!

Jerry’s show has a new counterpart from across the pond, The Jeremy Kyle Show. Though I have only seen it once, the episode I caught was all about paternity tests. I felt great at the end. Why? Simple. Because I know who my “baby daddy” is. No question there. This tells me that I have made at least one good decision in my life and boy-howdy, it was a biggie. Came out of that show smiling from ear to ear! 

So far I’m 4 - 0. Hit me with your best shot, Dr. Phil.

A recent show was on child discipline. For example, if your kid is screaming bloody murder in the middle of the supermarket because he wants a cookie, do you, A) Give him a cookie. B) Tell him, “If you scream like that one more time, we’re leaving!” But then, never actually leave. Or, C) Tell him he is not getting a cookie and that you’re going to leave if he continues his tantrum, and then follow through. Or, D) Get a child-size shock collar.

Lying! D was not a Dr. Phil option!

Which one did you pick? Was it C? Me too! Boo-ya! We're brainiacs!

Other feel-good TV-watching bonuses:

- My marriage has lasted longer than 72 hours.

- No sex tape of me will ever be “accidentally” leaked onto the Internet. Guaranteed.

- I have not sent pictures of my privates over Twitter. 

I realize that I am probably the last person on earth to not have cable, satellite, or a dish, but no matter. Cheap TV therapy works over the antenna, too. Winning!

So, the next time you’re feeling a little down about yourself, do what I do: Grab yourself a big load of mismatched socks, plop yourself on the couch and watch some bad TV. Your frown will turn upside down in no time!